How can you know your abuser is sorry? Your love for your abuser can blind you to the signs. Read about the four signs that show he is sorry.

THE FIRST SIGN YOUR ABUSER IS SORRY: NO GIFTS WITH EMPTY PROMISES

The first sign that your abuser is sorry is no gifts with empty promises. A box of chocolates or a bouquet of flowers doesn’t indicate sorrow if it comes with empty promises. If your abuser says, I’m sorry I won’t curse at you, call you names, or belittle you again, and he never does again, he is sorry. If he says he is sorry only to avoid consequences and repeats his abusive behavior, he is not sorry.

“Geraldine” told me, “After ten years, I threw the box of chocolates in the trash and gave the flowers to somebody else.” She looked at me, dabbed her tears, and said, “I was fed up with the gifts with empty promises. How sorry is that?”

King Saul Isn’t Sorry

Sometimes a sign that your abuser isn’t sorry is empty promises without gifts. In 1 Samuel 19:6, King Saul told his son Jonathan, “As surely as the Lord lives, David will not be put to death.” However, in verses 9b–10, we read, “David was playing the harp. Saul tried to pin David to the wall with his spear, but David jumped out of the way. So Saul’s spear went into the wall, and David ran away that night” (New Century Version).

David’s wife, Michal, helped him escape, placed an idol on his bed, covered it with a sheet and put goats’ hair on its head. She told the men Saul sent to kill him, “He is ill.”

How sorry is Saul? Find out in verse 15, “Then Saul sent the men back to see David and told them, ‘Bring him up to me in his bed so that I may kill him.’”

THE SECOND SIGN YOUR ABUSER IS SORRY: NO EXCUSES

The second way you can know your abuser is sorry is that he offers no excuses. He admits he did wrong. He doesn’t say, “I’m sorry, but . . . I’m sorry, but you made me angry. I’m sorry, but you didn’t keep the kids quiet, and I’m tired. He doesn’t scream and leave in a rage as he says, “You peeled the cucumbers, and I don’t like them that way.”

Susie woke up one day and said, “How sorry is my abuser when he throws the blame back on me?” In contrast, Margie said, “I know Kevin is sorry. He simply said, “I’m sorry and didn’t make any excuses.”

THE THIRD SIGN: RESPONSIBILITY FOR SPECIFIC WRONGDOING

Third, you can know your abuser is sorry when he takes responsibility for specific wrongdoing. He says, “I hurt you when I tried to choke you, and I’m sorry.” He doesn’t say, “If I hurt you, I’m sorry.

You may tell your spouse or significant other, “When you hit my dog with a hammer, I felt angry and scared of what you might do next.” If he takes responsibility for what he did, he should say something on the order of, “I’m sorry I hit your with a hammer, and I’m sorry I made you feel angry and scared.”

His response indicates he listened to you and took responsibility for specific wrongdoing. He is sorry. Let’s go on to the next sign.

THE FOURTH SIGN YOUR ABUSER IS SORRY: REPENTANCE

The fourth way IS repentance. What does repentance mean? It means to turn away from sin or wrongdoing, and abuse is sin/wrongdoing. In the Bible, repentance also includes turning to God. How will you know he is repentant?

The person who shows repentance has a concrete plan to change his abusive behavior. First, he signs up for a class in batterer intervention and successfully completes a program of at least 18 months because change doesn’t happen overnight.

Part of that concrete plan to change may include weekly attendance at a 12-step meeting, a sponsor, and making amends to his partner/spouse and family. Because he knows he can relapse into his former behavior without accountability, he works with a spiritual mentor who understands abuse.

At a 12-step meeting, a man said, “I saw how much my verbal abuse hurt my wife. I promised her I would never talk to her that way again.” His eyes welled. “It’s been 12 years, and I’ve kept my promise.”

Abusive Pharaoh in Egypt Isn’t Sorry

Let’s look at another Old Testament person, Pharaoh in Egypt. He wanted to keep the Israelites in bondage and refused to let them go away to worship God. The Lord sent the plague of frogs to Egypt. In Exodus 8:9, “Pharaoh summoned Moses and Aaron and said, ‘Pray to the Lord to take the frogs away from me and my people, and I will let your people go to offer sacrifices to the Lord.’”

Moses prayed, and the frogs died. Verse 15 says, “But when Pharaoh saw that there was relief, he hardened his heart and would not listen to Moses and Aaron, just as the Lord had said.”

In other words, he showed he wasn’t sorry for his abusive behavior.

Consequences of a Lack of Sorrow

Pharaoh subjected himself, his family, all of the Egyptians and their land to the plagues of gnats, flies, livestock, boils, hail, locusts, and darkness. Pharaoh would promise to let the people go if Moses would pray and stop the plagues. Once the plagues stopped, so did Pharaoh’s sorrow or repentance.

In Exodus 11–12, you can read about the plague of the death of the firstborn male from the firstborn son of Pharaoh to the firstborn son of the prisoner in the dungeon and the firstborn of the livestock. Read Exodus 14 to see how Pharaoh once again hardened his heart. He didn’t show signs of sorrow.

To wrap up, you can know if your abuser is sorry through these signs:

1. No gifts with empty promises
2. No excuses
3. Responsibility for specific wrongdoing
4. Repentance

In the end, abusive King Saul wasn’t sorry. That led to the destruction of the king, his family, and the split between Israel and Judah. Abusive Pharaoh wasn’t sorry either. His lack of repentance led to his destruction, that of his family, and the Egyptians.

Related Posts:

https://yvonneortega.com/what-is-your-reaction-to-verbalviolence/

https://yvonneortega.com/domestic-violence-among-your-family-members-and-friends/

Call to Action

If you would like to talk to me about your abuser, call me at 757-529-1222 for a free Discover Call.

Copyright © by Yvonne Ortega April 14, 2019 Revised and updated on May 20, 2019 by Yvonne Ortega.