How to Know Where You Are in the Stages of Grief?

 

In 2009, the unthinkable happened in my life. I lost my only child, a son. One moment, my life was “normal,” the next, it was changed forever.

What followed was a painful journey through the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, and depression. I felt like I was losing my mind.

Grief isn’t reserved for those who lose someone they love to death. It can come from other losses: the death of a relationship, a job, a home, or a cross-country move in which you lose family, friends, and fellowship.The one thing these experiences have in common is that we feel grief.

Grief isn't reserved for those who lose a loved one through death. It can come from other losses: a relationship through divorce, job, home, or cross-country move. #mourning, #griefandloss Share on X

So how do we move on from here? I’ve found it helps to understand the process of grief. By the time you finish reading this article, you will be able to identify the five stages of grief, label where you are in the process, and know that you are not losing your mind. You are grieving.

The First in the Stages of Grief: Denial

Do you feel shocked, stunned, or like someone punched you in the gut? Are you unable to accept what happened? Do you come up with reasons why what happened couldn’t have?

In the first stage of grief, you are not able to accept what happened. You’re in shock. You feel numb and go through the motions of daily living.

In the first stage of grief, you are not able to accept what happened. #grief, #griefandloss Share on X

When my son died, I found out through a friend who was like a second mother to my son. She emailed me and asked me to call her. On the phone she said, “Brian passed away two days ago.”

I was shocked, stunned, and felt like someone punched me in the gut. I denied. “My son can’t be dead. Parents are supposed to die first, not the children.” My mind swirled with reasons this couldn’t be true. “Brian was a strong swimmer, a wrestler in high school a blackbelt in karate. He helped me make blackbelt. He couldn’t be dead.”

The Second in the Stages of Grief: Anger

In the second stage of grief, you move from denial to anger. You want to blame someone or something for your loss.

When I lost Brian, I blamed God. “Where were you, God when my son was gasping for air and died? Why didn’t you stop it from happening? How could you take my son so soon?”

I felt anger toward my ex-husband. “Why couldn’t he have died instead of our only child? He led a full life, married twice, and had children from both marriages. Our son didn’t get beyond engagement.

In my anger, I felt enraged with the Food and Drug Administration for approving medication that is banned in Canada and Europe. That medicine killed my only child.

I felt the same way toward insurance companies that pushed for drive-through surgery like MacDonald’s. Was that policy in the best interests of the patient or for bigger profits?

Believe it or not, I got angry with my son for dying so young and leaving me alone.

Do you feel angry at God, yourself, or another person? Perhaps you’re angry at an organization or the way a specific system works. For more on anger, you can read,

Why Am I Mad At God? Let Me Count The Ways

Let’s move on to the next stage.

The Third Stage of Grief: Bargaining

Bargaining is the futile attempts of the bereaved to control the circumstances.

In my attempts to deal with the circumstances of my grief, I bargained with God. I told him, “Let my ex-husband die, and I’ll feel better.”

I also told God, “Take me home too. I’ll be with Mama and my only child. Then I won’t be angry at you anymore.”

You may laugh, but do you recognize yourself in my examples? Perhaps you’ve bargained in a similar fashion. Once you’ve considered your response in bargaining, you can move forward.

The Fourth Stage of Grief: Depression

If you have moved to the fourth stage, you may experience the gamut from sadness, emptiness, and despair to depression.

After my only child died, I felt I had nothing to live for. With my son’s early death, I didn’t have grandchildren to share my life with.

Perhaps you feel so alone that you don’t think life is worth living either. If that describes you, and you stay stuck, consider a complete physical checkup and go from there.

The Fifth Stage: Acceptance

The fifth stage is acceptance. However, you can stay stuck in any stage before moving on. You can also go back and forth in the different stages. This is normal. You are not losing your mind when this happens.

You can stay stuck in any stage of grief before moving on. #griefjourney, #grievingprocess Share on X

At last, you make peace with your new normal. You forgive those you were angry with, and you choose to move forward in your life journey.

Acceptance meant that I gave myself permission or the freedom to move forward with God’s help and develop a legacy mindset. I made a career change and never looked back.

Acceptance means you give yourself permission or the freedom to move forward with God's help and develop a legacy mindset. #griefrecovery, #healing Share on X

A word of wisdom here: I will always miss my son, but the intensity of my grieving is not at the level it once was.

Have you stopped fighting your circumstances? Are you at peace with your situation?

For more about peace, you can read:

“Goodbye, Peace!” What to Do When Your Peace Is Flying Away

Have you forgiven those you were angry with? Are you making a new life for yourself?

Conclusion and Next Steps

To wrap up, the five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Draw a chart and mark where you are in your grief journey. Remember that grief is a normal process. You are not losing your mind.

Call to Action: Do you have a friend going through the pain of grief? Share this article along with your support.

Copyright © by Yvonne Ortega June 17, 2019