“God, I’m mad at you. The harder I’ve prayed, the sicker I’ve gotten. Do you hear me? Do you see me? I wonder if you care about me.”

When I asked those questions, I expected to recover from my illness right away, not suffer in agony. I felt so sick that I said, “God, let me die in peace, if I’m not going to get better.”

If God had a plan, it didn’t match mine.

As I read Judges 20 in the Old Testament over the weekend, the story of the tribe of the “Benjamites” grabbed my attention. They wouldn’t turn over the wicked men of Gibeah to the Israelites to put them to death and purge the evil from Israel.

The first reason I’m mad at God: the lack of reward for obedience

Because of the refusal of the Benjamites to purge the evil from Israel, verse 18 says, “The Israelites went up to Bethel and inquired of God. They said, ‘Who of us is to go up first to fight against the Benjamites?’ The Lord replied, ‘Judah shall go first.’”

Since the Israelites followed what God told them to do, they should have won, right? Verse 21 says the Benjamites cut down 22,000 Israelites on the battlefield that day. That’s the reward for asking God for direction and for obedience? No wonder I’m mad at God.

The second reason: his maltreatment of his chosen people

After that many losses, verse 23 says, “The Israelites went up and wept before the Lord until evening. . . They said, ‘Shall we go up again to fight against the Benjamites, our fellow Israelites?’”

“Go up against them.”

They did, and “The Benjamites cut down another 18,000 Israelites.”

I didn’t whisper a sweet prayer. I screamed, “God, how could you do that to your chosen people? Why did you do that?”

God let me rant and rave, but he didn’t answer me. Maybe I didn’t ask the right questions.

The third reason I’m mad at God: punishment for faith and obedience

The Bible tells us in verses 26–28, that the Israelites went to Bethel a third time, wept before the Lord, fasted until evening, and presented burnt offerings to him. Again, they showed faith and trust in God.

The Israelites inquired a third time if they should again fight against the Benjamites. Were they gluttons for punishment?

Get this, in verse 28, God answered, “Go, for tomorrow I will give them into your hands.” And the Israelites went.

In the most incredible passage in verses 29–47, the Israelites set an ambush around Gibeah. Verse 35 says, “The Lord defeated Benjamin before Israel, and on that day the Israelites struck down 25,100 Benjamites.

That passage went on to say that the Israelites put the whole city to the sword. They not only surrounded the Benjamites, but they chased them and won.

Verse 48 gave the final update, “The men of Israel went back to Benjamin and put all the towns to the sword, including the animals and everything else they found. All the towns they came across they set on fire.”

I had asked the wrong questions. I should have asked God what he wanted to teach me during that tough time in my life.

Through Judges 20, I realized he wanted me to know I couldn’t squeeze him into a box and make him conform to my expectations. I couldn’t control God.

To wrap up, you and I don’t need to ambush a group of people and set fire to their towns, but we need to know that God is in charge and answers our prayers in his time and in his way. When he answers, we have no doubt who won the victory.

I encourage you to ask God what he wants to teach you during your tough time.

For a related internal post, you can read:

How Big Is Your Prayer Request?

Prayer: God, I don’t understand how the Israelites believed you and obeyed. The more they prayed, fasted, and offered sacrifices to you, the worse their punishment became. I’m mad at you because of my illness. Have I missed the message? If so, please show me what you want to teach me. Amen.

Call to Action: What day and time this week will you ask God what he can teach you through your pain.

Copyright © by Yvonne Ortega March 5, 2019 Updated September 3, 2021